Miranda Lambert is a Witch

The ACM Awards were held earlier this week and Miranda Lambert was awarded with female vocalist of the year (for the fourth year in a row), along with record of the year and single of the year.

And it’s time that someone speaks up. Enough is enough. It’s time the world learns her secret.

Miranda Lambert is a witch who has cast a spell all across America, brainwashing those of us too weak-willed to resist her whiny twang. Well her reign is over! I’m making a stand.

We can fight back against her country-music witchcraft. We just need to know how to break her spell.

Firstly, we must be able to differentiate a normal, pop-loving citizen, from a confused, Miranda-obsessed drone. And believe me, they’re out there. They look like us, talk like us, some may even be your friends and family. You must be ever vigilant.

A few ways to recognize them:

  1. They actually watched the ACM Awards.
  2. They enjoy “driving with the windows down on hot summer days listening to country music.”
  3. They wear cowboy hats and cowboy boots and insist they can play the guitar really really well.
  4. If the name Miranda Lambert enters the conversation they are overcome with a strange, yet powerful, need to express their strong devotion to her.

Here is an image to help with accurate identification:

country music fans

I discovered Miranda’s witchy trickery a week ago on a date with a guy who was so mind warped by her powers that he confessed that if he could be any woman it would be her. He was gay (obviously!) so Beyoncé was a close second…BUT the point is Beyoncé is no gay man’s second choice. Ever. That’s when I knew Miranda was a force to be reckoned with.

miranda and beyonce

But don’t worry there is a cure.

Here is the step-by-step counter curse that will break her hold on all our loved ones:

  1. On the night of the green harvest moon of every month (3 days before the full moon), you must bathe yourself in the moonlight for 10 minutes. While doing this calmly focus on your goal of freeing your loved one from the grips of such powerful sorcery. Doing this will cleanse your spirit as well as fortify your resistance to Miranda’s charm.
  2. Next, bring your loved one under the moonlight as well.
  3. Light 4 votive candles and place them around your companion in the directions of north, east, south, and west. These candles will also represent the connection to the four elements.
  4. Now call forth the spirits by saying this incantation: WAM. I bring forth the powers of Cobain, Winehouse, and Jackson along with all others who want to protect this soul. BAM. Cleanse [name] and purify their soul of all inclinations toward country music of any kind. Repeat three times.
  5. Lastly, punch your loved one with a swift jab straight to the taint.

taint punch

The spell should now be lifted.

A global cleansing will take more time, but stay positive. Now that we have a cure, it’s only a matter of time. Until then, it’s best to avoid Miranda’s followers if you can. Studies are still being done to see whether or not her spell is contagious.

For now, awareness is the key. Stay safe my friends.  


About andy1393

I am a junior at Miami University studying Journalism and English Literature.

Posted on April 10, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Can it be spread via the internet? If so stop reading, because Im trying to infect you!!

  2. Reblogged this on nikkielefaye's Blog and commented:

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