Baby traumatized by giant, bloodthirsty monster

OXFORD, OH—Scared for his life and terrified beyond belief, local infant Allen Beckett told reporters Wednesday that this vicious, demon-eyed monster, otherwise known as Sweetie, will scar him for life and haunt his nightmares well into his early teen years.

“As I try to fall asleep every night, this giant, four-legged creature just sits in my room and watches me,” the two month old said, pointing at the murderous fuzz-creature. “When I close my eyes at night I can see its green-glowing eyes searing through my eye lids into my soul.”

“To make things worse, my parents just clap and cheer when it comes near me,” Beckett explained with terror in his young voice.“I’m petrified as it sniffs me for weak spots and licks me all over with what I can only assume to be some sort of flesh dissolving enzyme. It especially enjoys my feet making it near impossible for me to run away.”

Beckett’s parents confirmed later that day that they love it when Sweetie interacts with cute little Allen. “Sweetie has so much affection for Allen,” explained mother, Patty Beckett. “She likes to follow Allen around just to make sure he’s safe. It’s adorable to watch.”

“Allen never seems to enjoy Sweetie’s company much though,” continued Mrs. Beckett. “He usually just freezes there and stares all bugged-eyed at her, but he’s going to come around soon, I’m sure.”

According to Backett, this bugged-eyed attempt at communication is his silent plea to his loved ones for comfort and solace from a hell that never ends.

Allegedly Beckett’s parents watch his grueling torture sessions with Sweetie gleefully. “I’m paralyzed with fear as this fuzzy behemoth berates me and all I can do is hope for it to be all over soon,” said a distressed Beckett while chocking back tears.

“Seriously, this kind of shit is going to fuck me up for years,” assured young Beckett. “I can’t crawl around my own house without fear of becoming some ferocious, baby-feasting beast’s early afternoon brunch. I’m going to need therapy for sure.”

Beckett continued, saying his parents should prepare themselves for years of bed wetting, night terrors, and family sleepovers when he’s too scared to sleep alone.

“I’m probably going to have some sort of post-traumatic stress syndrome because of this,” admitted Beckett, “and that’s not going to go away on it’s own. My parents better hire a damn good psychiatrist because I’m going to grow up with some serious issues.”