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Is “smuggling” the next big thing?

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OXFORD, OH—There’s a new criminal in town and he isn’t looking for gas stations to rob or people to mug, he’s looking for cats to smuggle. And he’s bringing a few friends along to help him in his illicit deed.

That’s right, Miami University student, Andy Martin, 21, smuggles cats. And he wants you to do it too.

Sources claim that Martin uploaded his public service announcement onto YouTube one early morning back in December and the views poured in immediately, reaching 5 views well before noon.

With total number of views reaching a whooping 11 by the end of the week, Martin knew this was going to be big.

“I just wanted to get cats off the streets. I didn’t have any idea my video would cause a nationwide phenomenon,” laughed Martin. “But I’m flattered so many people have joined the cause.”

And join they did. Martin’s PSA reached 22 views by March and by then there was nothing stopping it.

The video quickly reached 23 views and Martin’s term for capturing and illegally harboring stray animals, “smuggling,” was officially added to the Oxford Dictionary in early April.

And now, college students everywhere are “smuggling” cats, dogs, and animals of all sorts into apartments and dormitory’s that don’t allow pets.

Kassie Hollon, a proud Smuggler who’s been smuggling cats long before Martin’s PSA surprised the world, and who only just recently found an apartment with a housing contract that permitted her cute kitty, Lucile, happily talked to reporters about America’s biggest problem.

“There’s so many stray cats out there and every single one of them deserves a home,” explained Hollon. “And if every person just adopts one cat the problem’s solved.”

Being a heavy advocate of the cause, Hollon continued, “It doesn’t matter if a housing agreement says no to pets. Smuggling is exactly what Andy says it is: ‘worth the risk.’ A pet is a friend for life.”

Unfortunately for most of these kind-intentioned Smugglers, their lifelong friendship doesn’t last very long.

Reports of people harboring animals illegally have skyrocketed across the nation, and a large majority of the criminals are university-enrolled students.

“There’s nothing college kids love more than cats,” admitted Resident Advisor at Miami University, Matthew Cramer. But Cramer is quick to add that this doesn’t mean any resident should help in sheltering strays.

“Getting caught with an animal in your dorm would result in immediate disciplinary action,” said Cramer. “And it wouldn’t be hard to figure out is who is smuggling.”

According to Cramer, the chance of keeping anything on the “down low” in a resident hall is small. “The second everyone knows you have a pet, you won’t, because we’ll hear about it too.”

On top of disciplinary charges, some Smugglers are getting charged with heavy fines for breaking their housing contracts.

“The first time you’re caught it’s a $200 fine,” said Jordan Morrow, Community Assistant at Oxford’s Hawks Landing apartments. “After that it’s a $500 fine and then eviction from the apartment complex.”

With large punishments as consequence, Martin still urges the issue.

“How an owner takes care of his pet is his business and housing contracts shouldn’t be preventing anyone from experiencing what it’s like to love a living creature,” Martin adamantly preached. “Smugglers are doing good work all over the nation. We’re heroes.”

At press time, Martin’s PSA had amassed a total of 32 views and counting. Smugglers, smuggle on.

Posted in In Local News...

Ad for New iPhone 6: The Drunken Philosopher

Jul 21

Posted by andy1393

My brother, John, visited me at Miami this weekend! And that means alcohol. And lots of it.

And today I learned that when I’m drunk I apparently like to think I’m a philosopher on life and such. And also, that my understanding of the world needs to be shared with everyone else because it’s “so deeeep, ya know?”

I woke up today at 10 in the morning with a killer headache and this alarm message:

(Note: My cute doggie-dog, Rexy, as my iPhone wallpaper. <3)

So I check my Notes App and under my Blog Idea thread was this:

I thought this was pretty funny. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Not to me at least…and I don’t remember writing any of it. I guess Blackout Me wanted to get something across, but I have no idea what it would be so “further analysis” stops here.

But I respect my drunk ass attempt to make sense of the universe, and even more so, the iPhone’s amazing autocorrect: correcting my drunken ideas since 2009.

Lets hope that one of these days a good one comes out of it…

Posted in MYOS-Mind Your Own Swag

The Stages of Studying

Apr 27

Posted by andy1393

Finals are approaching. The countdown has begun.

While everyone scrambles to get all the shit they’ve shirked off until now together, I present to you my stages of studying.

Stage one. Denial. A final exam is tomorrow? No biggie. It’s only noon. The fact that I’m even thinking about beginning to study this early should get me some sort of medal.

But I better open my computer and figure out what I need to cram into my tiny brain…but wait…now that my computer is open I might as well check Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Buzzfeed, Imgur, Reddit, StumbleUpon, and watch that YouTube video my roommate was talking about…

Fun times!

Hours pass by unnoticed; unseen like the sneaky little drunkard at a party who manages to take 15 shots without anyone noticing. And like that poor, foolish drunk, my mistake soon becomes clear.

Stage two. Confusion. Okay guys, back to work! Lets see what exactly is required for the exam.

Hmmmm…seems like a bit of work. What is that word? Am I supposed to know what this professor is talking about? I didn’t read that…or that…or that. Is that supposed to be something important? Fuuuuuuuck… I need to get down to business.

30 minutes of moderately successful work is down. Papers are collected, books are opened and skimmed, the trajectory of how I’m going to prepare for this exam is beginning to come together.

Oh wait…

Amanda wants to know when I’m coming over to start drinking…John wants to know when we’re getting together to start pregaming for Amanda’s party…Lauren wants to get dinner…Jordan wants to know where I am (because being at the library studying is a very uncharacteristic activity for me)…and mom wants me to call her about summer internships…Argh. Technology you have seduced me once again, you sexy stud muffin.

Stage three. Disgust. Studying is gross. And I don’t like it one bit.

Stage four. Boredom. I know I haven’t been working hard but the fact that I’m in this predicament is exhausting enough.

Stage five. Distraction. Have I been in this abhorred library for days? My butt has rooted itself to my chair like a tree desperately reaching out for sustenance. But I can’t stand it anymore. Time to wander…

Stage six. Fear. Negative thoughts abound in this stage. Simple, quick thoughts bent on destroying my confidence begin to invade the soft, squishy interiors of my easily unmotivated brain.

I haven’t done anything. I don’t know this stuff!! This is miserable. I’m tired. God, I’m going to fail. I have to pee…

Stage seven. Depression. The sad thoughts are overwhelming. I’d much rather be looking at cats on the internet… or pugs… or sloths (they’re so in right now).

Stage eight. Panic. I NEED TO LEARN ALL OF THIS!!!!! I NEED TO STUDY THIS AND LEARN IT AND BECOME IT.

I submit my will to you, Miami. Do with it what you must.

Stage nine. Complacency. The library has emptied except for me and a few stragglers. After hours of hard work I’ve learned a few things. I can’t do anything more.

Don’t care.

No fucks.

Over it.

YOLO.